Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
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i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then