Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
You Might Also Like
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Yup
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
The big book of baby names but for safe words
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.