@django

Did You Know?

Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.

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@KoKeniSasquatch

I like dogs, but it’s like having a permanent baby.

A cat is like having a permanent teenager.

@Darlainky

Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.

@aksorojas

I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.

Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.

@mrjohntofu

Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.

@NotLane

“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”

-Bob Ross, Mob Boss

@AHappierDay

Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.

@KateBrauning

By age 30 you should have:

$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start

@JessObsess

*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.

@TheMichaelRock

Boss: Anyone have anything else to add to this meeting?

Me: Yes. I am awesome.

Boss….

Me: Write that shit down.

@FredTaming

[ gets death tarot card ]

me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad

blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad