Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
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Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”