@django

Did You Know?

Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.

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@AmandasNotFunny

Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:

“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”

@Divergentmama

“Oh sweetie, it’s AMAZING! I’m going to save your artwork forever*!”

*until you go to sleep and I can bury it in the garbage so you won’t find it.

@AmericanGent69

{First Date}

Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.

Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.

Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.

@KyleMcDowell86

*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”

@LostFelicia

I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.

@UncleDuke1969

“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.

“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.

@abbycohenwl

Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus

@Marcmywords2

It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.

@OVO_Ty15

Do we really have to hear Adam Levine talk about how he used to have acne problems? That poor guy.. how’d he ever survive.

@SirEviscerate

*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.