Did You Know?

Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.

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I like dogs, but it’s like having a permanent baby.

A cat is like having a permanent teenager.


Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.


I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.

Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.


Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.


“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”

-Bob Ross, Mob Boss


Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.


By age 30 you should have:

$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start


*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.


Boss: Anyone have anything else to add to this meeting?

Me: Yes. I am awesome.


Me: Write that shit down.


[ gets death tarot card ]

me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad

blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad