Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
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“Oh sweetie, it’s AMAZING! I’m going to save your artwork forever*!”
*until you go to sleep and I can bury it in the garbage so you won’t find it.
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Do we really have to hear Adam Levine talk about how he used to have acne problems? That poor guy.. how’d he ever survive.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.