@HomeWithPeanut

Did you know?

Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.

[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]

I think salmon have the right idea.

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@KentWGraham

I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.

@jackmackenroth

If I had kids I would name them Ctrl, Alt and Delete so when they misbehaved I would just hit them all at once.

@JoParkerBear

The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.

@TuSoonShakur

[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]

simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!

nala:

simba:

nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?

@stormy_hero

[at wedding]
“I now pronounce you husband and wife.”
Couple kisses
*yelling from the back row
“AWKWAAAARD”

@maughammom

The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.

@ValGyorgy

Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over

@Jake_Vig

*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*

@AbbieEvansXO

Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present

Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours