Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
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Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.