I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
You Might Also Like
If I had kids I would name them Ctrl, Alt and Delete so when they misbehaved I would just hit them all at once.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
“I now pronounce you husband and wife.”
*yelling from the back row
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
“You never go out”
“Why are you always home?”
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours