“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
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Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE