Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
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Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
bought wrong eggs
I’m a bad influence on myself.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.