felt cute might bury dad later idk
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Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.