“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
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*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
August 8
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
The fall of Netflix
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages