Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
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If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night