Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
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Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Congrats on the wedding dude. A present? Na man, everyone brings a present. I brought a past. Remember your ex-fiance Jan? Jan! come say hi.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
imagine if otters became overpopulated and started destroying the world. it would be so cute.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Brain: not like last time
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.