@Brampersandon_

Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?

-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.

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@rcromwell4

Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.

@iinkedZombie

Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.

@panmidwest

wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad

me: that is true of literally every food

@AristotlesNZ

Congrats on the wedding dude. A present? Na man, everyone brings a present. I brought a past. Remember your ex-fiance Jan? Jan! come say hi.

@Dutch_50

Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.

@ilurngood

imagine if otters became overpopulated and started destroying the world. it would be so cute.

@ValeeGrrl

5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.

@Ygrene

Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today

@HatfieldAnne

The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.

@1_swarthy_dude

You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.