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@wolfmannjr

I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding

@DaddyBeerGuy

My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..

She manually Retweets everything I say…

To my wife!

@JohnLyonTweets

I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.

@HomeProbably

Me: “Your mum sucks.”

GF: “That’s not very nice.”

Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”

@kelkulus

Nobody has 3 cats. You either have 1 or 2, but from there you leap directly to 17.

@MyNameIsArchaic

Married people be like:

[Quarantine, day 3]

It’s been 89 days since I last had sex

@hythemafia

I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..

…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:

“This isn’t for me.”

@SvnSxty

*ad for swiss army knife*

Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?

@CulturedRuffian

Her: You need to stop playing video games.

Me: Why?

Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!

Me:

@1MeLrO

If you can’t call your kid at 8:30 in the morning from the next bedroom to bring you a drink

What’s the point of them having a cell phone