Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
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*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
new record!
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket