I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
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My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Nobody has 3 cats. You either have 1 or 2, but from there you leap directly to 17.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
If you can’t call your kid at 8:30 in the morning from the next bedroom to bring you a drink
What’s the point of them having a cell phone