4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
You Might Also Like
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said