Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
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A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.