Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
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[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.