Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
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Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Meme Monday.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle