I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
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Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you