Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
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My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
OMG 🤣🤣
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.