Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
You Might Also Like
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.