Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
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[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
i love meeting boys on tinder
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.