“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
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Horrifying if literal: a handbag
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
“It doesn’t say anywhere that you have to EAT them, you see,” I explain to the Olive Garden waitress as my breadstick kingdom adds a library
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.