@WineMummy

“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”

~A parent’s memoir.

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@CakeThrottle

I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.

@diaruba74

I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.

@BromanConsul

“It doesn’t say anywhere that you have to EAT them, you see,” I explain to the Olive Garden waitress as my breadstick kingdom adds a library

@causticbob

USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about

@ObscureGent

I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.

@prufrockluvsong

ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.

DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.

ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.

@GinAndJif

If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.