boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
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I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
They also CAN sing✌️
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
As the Lord intended
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Last-minute gift idea!
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager