MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Didn’t u hate it when as a kid u got the “mystery flavor” lollipop & the mystery ended up being that your parents got divorced (Or lemon)?
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It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Her: *giggles* whoops you got a hair right there
Me (nervous she’s trying to clone me): give it back
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Her: Choke me!
Me, sexual deviant: Hands her a couple of buttermilk biscuits.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*