Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
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Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Tremendous stuff
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.