Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
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I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Barbie gone wild
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.