Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
You Might Also Like
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
I love you…
…r dog.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.