My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
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As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.