At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
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I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…