“Wow I feel pretty good”
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
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cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
My wife is in a bad mood. I think her boyfriend forgot their anniversary. Way to go, dude. Now we all suffer…
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me