@AlisonChrista

*dies and gets to hell*

I really thought I’d lived a good life.

*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*

Oh yeah. Fair enough.

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@SardonicTart

*Wakes up*

“Wow I feel pretty good”

*Moves body*

“Maybe I spoke too soon”

@Skoog

cop: do you know how fast you were going?

cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain

cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts

cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?

@shesatornado

I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy

@Lin_Baker

He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO

@Peauxtassium

I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me

@superdadatron

My wife is in a bad mood. I think her boyfriend forgot their anniversary. Way to go, dude. Now we all suffer…

@3sunzzz

[Confessional Booth]

Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.

Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!

Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.

@BrettDruck

I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire

@ShortSleeveSuit

[getting pulled over]

ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?

MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me