one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
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The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
hi why am I like this
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.