Optional boss fight.
You Might Also Like
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
🤣🤣🤣
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.