[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
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A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
My friend is an excellent librarian.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”