[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
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My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”