Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
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me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars