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Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!