I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
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What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Who wants to be my Valentine?
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Lmao 🤣
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot