Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
[dies, meets god]
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You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Me: This chicken is undercooked.
Wife: You don’t appreciate my cooking.
Me: I think the vet could save it if it we took it right now.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
boys love mysterious girls so don’t be afraid to show up to dates with a shovel and a smear of fresh blood on your collar
ME: I’ve beaten my drug addiction!
FRIEND: that’s great!
ME: now I’m addicted to coffee.
FRIEND: thats ok tho, coffee isn’t bad for you.
ME: [cutting up two lines of coffee grounds on a mirror]
ME: you want some?
Not trying to be racist or ignorant but…
seriously, all crocodiles and alligators look alike.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.