@bourgeoisalien

[dies, meets god]
explain Florida

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@TheAlexNevil

Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend

@edwardsnathn

You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.

@_elvishpresley_

[school of hard knocks]

TEACHER: you’re late

ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked

TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn

@QueefTornado

Me: This chicken is undercooked.

Wife: You don’t appreciate my cooking.

Me: I think the vet could save it if it we took it right now.

@AndyAsAdjective

How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent

@thewordy

boys love mysterious girls so don’t be afraid to show up to dates with a shovel and a smear of fresh blood on your collar

@sonictyrant

ME: I’ve beaten my drug addiction!

FRIEND: that’s great!

ME: now I’m addicted to coffee.

FRIEND: thats ok tho, coffee isn’t bad for you.

ME: [cutting up two lines of coffee grounds on a mirror]

FRIEND:

ME: you want some?

@Mikecanrant

Not trying to be racist or ignorant but…

seriously, all crocodiles and alligators look alike.

@Brampersandon_

Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn

@WineMummy

Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.

Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.