[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
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Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*