*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
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People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.