It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
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Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Isn’t that illegal?
Hubby: This dinner is not gonna make itself!!!!!
And that ladies and Gentleman is how I starred on “COPS”
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse