*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:

oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now

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It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.


Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.


Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.


I’m a pediatrician.

Oh, so you’re into feet?

Uh no…children.

Isn’t that illegal?


Hubby: This dinner is not gonna make itself!!!!!

And that ladies and Gentleman is how I starred on “COPS”


If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…


*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*


IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.

Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.


I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.

Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.


[first day in the army]

me: hi I like your slacks

him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants

me: ok but I also like your blouse