*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
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I forgot the term âgaitâ so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
therapist: so whatâs the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: âŚ
therapist: âŚ
me: no
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
I hate when people say ânext time youâre in my neck of the woodsâ
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks downâŚâI donât know, I never checked.â
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
âSon, we have to talk.â
âWhat is it, Dad?â
âYou were adopted.â
âOh my god⌠Really?!?â
âYup. Get ready. Theyâre picking you up in an hour.â
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: đđ
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t âpull something offâ like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing letâs go
gimma back my stick frost man… đâď¸
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreamsâŚ
and he says, âprolly.â
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns