*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
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Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Oh no
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
This is a true ally.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women