When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
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My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single