I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
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Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Terribly Tuesday.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
A classic…
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Meat Cute
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.