@girlontapas

Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”

*looking at glass of wine*

*turns off phone*

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@TitansHomer

{Police Job Interview}

Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.

Recruit: Why kill a kitten?

Captain: You’re hired.

@JiminyKicksIt

I’m not suggesting Cher is a nazi, but at no point during “If I Could Turn Back Time” does she mention killing Hitler.

@Kyle_Lippert

EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy

@TheAlexP

Girl seeing my torn jeans

Where’d you get those?!

*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*

The Gap.

@moxieblogger

If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet

Right next to the beer fridge

@ArfMeasures

Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong

Me: I know!

Mechanic: Your car’s fine though

Me: ok cool

@MarfSalvador

[after giving cpr]
him: ??? ????? ?? ????
me: lol
him: ???? ??? ????
me: I inhaled helium first

@KrissiBex

My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media