Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
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[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.