“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
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It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Living the best life.. 😊
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
🤣could you imagine
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.