This tree does a lot of weird exercises
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“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
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I still have Pringles?
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?