Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
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ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Boss: *introducing me to new co workers* This is Linda. She always answers the phone
Me: How are you Linda?
Linda: The phone
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
I wish my new best friend from Spain came with subtitles, because pittbull only taught me uno do tres cuatro…
Remember how they drove in 90’s TV sitcoms…the horribly fake steering wheel turning – left right left right? That’s how I actually drive.
I’m gonna start following my cat to the litter box and sit in her lap while she takes a shit
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?