@mydmac

Diet diary, day 3

I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.

But the cup cakes were amazing.

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@kibblesmith

Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.

@BuckyIsotope

ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you

@brynnester

Boss: *introducing me to new co workers* This is Linda. She always answers the phone
Me: How are you Linda?
Linda: The phone
Boss: See

@MarfSalvador

Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]

@dumbbeezie

If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.

@i_wantMyBiitch

I wish my new best friend from Spain came with subtitles, because pittbull only taught me uno do tres cuatro…

@buhsbaby_baby

Remember how they drove in 90’s TV sitcoms…the horribly fake steering wheel turning – left right left right? That’s how I actually drive.

@laurajennyjo

I’m gonna start following my cat to the litter box and sit in her lap while she takes a shit

@BlairLoudly

Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.

@AngelaEhh

Bartender: What can I get you?

Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?

Bartender:

Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?

Bartender:

Me: Beer.