DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
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I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Attacked by a mop.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
this article brought to you by lions
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.