@GrantTanaka
@ArfMeasures
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
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@ArfMeasures
@seamusmckracken
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
@d2BMcG
I went to an AA meeting
I met a lot of batteries
@Jade_VK
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
@chris_coltrane
TRICKLE DOWN ECONOMICS EXPLAINED:
1) Rich people make money
2) It “trickles down” to offshore banks
3) Government closes libraries/hospitals
@Underchilde
I’m sorry but shits and giggles don’t sound like things I want to have happen at the same time.
@ChrisEdCaruso
Good cop: where’s the body?
Bad cop: answer him!
*pounds table*
Jenga cop: God damn it!
@stevevsninjas
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
@LindseyEllison2
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
@edgarrants
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.