@GrantTanaka

[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor

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@lilgapeach30

3 rules for having good teeth: brush and floss twice a day, see your dentist twice a year, and keep your nose out of other peoples business.

@donni

Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares

@LMHPhotog

*picks up beef bouillon

*decides against it

*puts it down

*picks up chicken bouillon

*nods confidently

– stock exchange

@BuckyIsotope

CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.

@DirtMcTurd

Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?

“What? Why?”

It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..

“It’s OUR wedding!”

@Marlebean

“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”

What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”

@xmasape

If Michaels doesn’t come strong with a “Hobby Lobby supports ISIS” campaign then they’re just not ruthless enough to survive in Big Craft

@KevinBuffalo

Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.

@TheAndrewNadeau

HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.

FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.