[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
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I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”