WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
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The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
I went to an AA meeting
I met a lot of batteries
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
TRICKLE DOWN ECONOMICS EXPLAINED:
1) Rich people make money
2) It “trickles down” to offshore banks
3) Government closes libraries/hospitals
I’m sorry but shits and giggles don’t sound like things I want to have happen at the same time.
Good cop: where’s the body?
Bad cop: answer him!
Jenga cop: God damn it!
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.