3 rules for having good teeth: brush and floss twice a day, see your dentist twice a year, and keep your nose out of other peoples business.
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
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Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
*picks up beef bouillon
*decides against it
*puts it down
*picks up chicken bouillon
– stock exchange
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Bring back the McRib
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
If Michaels doesn’t come strong with a “Hobby Lobby supports ISIS” campaign then they’re just not ruthless enough to survive in Big Craft
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.