A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
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Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee