Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
You Might Also Like
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.