Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
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My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
I hope they boil the right one.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
“i miss shittin on people”
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school