diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
You Might Also Like
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is