Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
You Might Also Like
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
we’re dead?
So the ex texted me
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself